First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
