My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
