dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
