Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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