Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
