Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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