if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
