It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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