Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
