So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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