my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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