It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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