They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
