I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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