I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
