Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
