she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my shit smells like andre
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
