his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
