Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
