I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
