My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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