You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
