oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
