The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
this is an emotional support booty call
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
