ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
