just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I need moral support for this bender
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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