Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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