: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
