i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
