I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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