I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
