there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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