seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
