apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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