Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
