the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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