Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just high enough for therapy.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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