Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Drunk is a universal language darling
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