onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
