When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
