remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
