I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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