i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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