There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
