U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Michael Bay diarrhea
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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