I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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