i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
