i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
