My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
bring money and cleavage
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
