so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
