He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
