she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
