i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
