she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
