So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
