So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
