I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
