he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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