I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
