I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
