If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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