She is in my trunk
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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