He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
