tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
